The Athenoposeidon Date
by I'mTheGirlWhoLearnedToFly
Summary: There's a reason why these two are the least compatible gods in history. Suppose, in a fit of insanity, Poseidon asked Athena out and she actually AGREED. What would their date be like? How many casualties would there be? Or could it actually...work out? Crack!fic. One shot.


**DISCLAIMER: If I owned PJO I could do whatever the hell I wanted and it would be okay because it would be 'canon'. But I don't own PJO, ergo, Athenoposeidon isn't actually going to happen.**

* * *

Poseidon pulled out Athena's chair for her. She smiled when she saw him trying to act like a gentleman, and daintily sat down. Poseidon took the chair opposite her.

They sat nervously like that for some time. Then the waiter came.

"_Bonjour, mes amis_! I am Paolo, and I am to be your waiter for tonight." He gave a wide, toothy grin, "Would the _belle madame_ like to sample some of the most _magnifique _wine of our humble kitchens?"

Athena raised her eyebrows. Poseidon shrugged helplessly. "Hey, don't look at me like that," he protested weakly, "I don't have control over the French speaking waiter."

"Oh, how epic, Poseidon. You control the oceans, but not French speaking waiters?"

"What do you take me to be, the god of France?"

Paolo looked worried. He turned around to make frantic signals at the man playing the violin in the corner.

* * *

The man playing the violin frowned as he tried to decipher what Paolo was saying. Suddenly he seemed to get it, and he jerked upright and sprinted towards the kitchen. There he spoke frantically to the head chef.

"The pretty lady and handsome man are having their date wrecked!" he shrieked hysterically, "We cannot let that happen! I will play lovely romantic music! Bring out the candles! Bring out the rose petals! Bring out the fat baby in his diaper holding the flimsy bow and arrow! Mayday! Mayday!"

A junior chef looked confused. He cocked his head at the head. The chief explained, "He always wanted to set up his own dating service. He became a violin player at restaurants because the enterprise failed dramatically."

"How did it fail?"

"Oh, you wouldn't be interested. It just involved an Italian bar, a smooth-talking guy, a mirror, an angry lady and a boot."

"I see, the usual," the junior chef replied, without any trace of sarcasm…which was actually kind of disturbing, come to think of it.

"Yes, the usual. Anyway, he's made it his life's ambition to make sure cute couples stay together."

The head chef turned around and addressed the rest of the kitchen.

"Boys!" he shouted, "Emergency situation! I want candles on that table! I want rose petals showering down softly on them! And I want a fat baby in his diaper holding the flimsy bow and arrow! NOW!"

There was a flurry of activity in the kitchen, as everyone hurriedly got things ready. The violin man went outside and struck up a romantic tune.

* * *

Athena winced. "Violins," she said in a disgust filled voice, "I loathe them. They sound like cats being slowly tortured to death."

"Really?" asked Poseidon as he munched on a breadstick, "They've always reminded me of those horrible owls, screeching at night and not giving anyone a moment's peace," he finished with a grimace.

Athena's eyes narrowed, "My sacred animal is the owl, Poseidon. You trying to tell me anything?

Poseidon's eyes widened in horro,. "Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, _no. _Most definitely NOT," he said, shaking his head vehemently.

Athena was about to retort when a small, nervous-looking boy came and dimmed the lights. Then he stuck a long, illuminating stick in their candle holder. After that he positively fled from the dining hall.

Athena and Poseidon stared speechlessly at the thin, long stick between them as it gave off a soft glow.

* * *

Meanwhile, the head chef was strangling the small kid.

"WHAT on EARTH possessed you when you put that GLOW STICK out there in the DAMN CANDLE HOLDER?" he shrieked.

The kid choked out, "The candles got over, so I figured a glow stick was the second best option!"

"Bad idea! BAD IDEA!" the screeching guy was beside himself, "GET IT OUT OF THERE!"

The boy scurried and ran back into the room, switched on the lights and snatched back the glow stick.

Athena and Poseidon were still speechless.

And that was BEFORE they were exploded with rose petals.

* * *

See, what happened was, the pink petals had been carefully placed on the table and the guy in charge of them retreated to the kitchen to get the perfume. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that the petals were placed on the table adjacent to Athena and Poseidon...in front of the fan. So when a passerby switched on the fan, not noticing the petals in front of it...well, you can probably guess what happens next. Just in case you lack the imagination, here's the description:

"UUGH!" Athena yelled as she jumped up and spat out a few petals, "I've heard that flies can get into your mouth if you keep it open, but this is ridiculous!

"Petals in my hair! Petals in my hair!" Poseidon wailed. "Why the holy frickin Poseidon are there PETALS in my HAIR!"

"IN YOUR HAIR?" Athena half asked-half shouted, "THEY'VE GOT INTO MY _DRESS, _DAMMIT!" Then she proceeded to perform a strange wiggly dance in an attempt to dislodge the petals. Apparently, having flower parts in your dress is enough to make you lose your dignity.

Athena got up and stormed into the ladies'. Poseidon's expression was epic.

Violin man was strangling himself. It is no surprise why his dating enterprise failed so miserably.

* * *

After the fiasco had been cleared up, Poseidon and Athena were staring at the menu without saying a word to each other. Athena had her lips pressed tightly together, while Poseidon looked slightly guilty and plenty nervous.

Then the little baby in his diaper came, carrying a plastic bow and arrow.

Now, here's where you think, oh man, the baby's gonna poop or puke or shoot them or something! DAMMIT! (if you are an Athenoposeidon supporter) or YES! FINALLY THEY WILL END THIS! (if you're anti-Athenoposeidon).

In reality, all that happened was, the baby made cute 'goo-goo-ga-ga' sounds. No pooping. No puking. Nada.

Athena raised her eyebrows. Poseidon let his head fall on the desk with a not-so-gentle bang. We can safely assume, I guess, that he was thinking something along the lines of, _oh crap_.

So, it was to his immense surprise that Athena placed a consoling hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay," she smiled, "It's actually nice, not to mention entertaining, for someone to try so hard to impress me like this."

Poseidon looked like he could not believe his ears. Athena smiled at him once again. Then she turned to Paolo, who looked like he couldn't believe what he was looking at.

"I'd like to have the lobster," Athena said, "Maybe along with-"

But she was interrupted by a furious Poseidon.

"EXCUSE ME?"

"What?!"

"LOBSTER? As in, _SEAFOOD?_ Do you know how horrible I find it that people eat my trusty disciples? My loyal subjects? And here you are, calmly sitting in front of me and ordering LOBSTER?"

"Well, excuse me, but-"

"BUT WHAT? Do you have ANY idea how I would feel if you ate Phil? Or Eric? Or Mr Ploopycootchiepants?"

"I never said-wait, Mr _Ploopycootchiepants_?"

"How would you feel if I ordered poached owl in front of you?"

"Who the HADES has POACHED OWL?"

Paolo shook his head and retreated to the kitchen. They were both insane.

Across the world, seas went wild and innumerable students failed their tests.

Suffice to say, that was the end of Athenoposeidon. Ah, well. Lovely pairing, but it wouldn't ever have worked. That's life for you.

* * *

**Yes, I'm very sorry about breaking them up, but I can't get Athena and Poseidon together. Not without seriously twisting the world. I'm the author, not a god. Although the Goddess of Getting the Most Unlikely Gods and Goddesses Together and Breaking Up Long Standing Relationships has a nice ring to it.**

**Unfortunately, I have already called dibs on being the Goddess of Books and Purple, so I can't be the Goddess of Getting the Most etc etc etc.**

**And I KNOW it's probably not 'Athenoposeidon', thank you very much, but I _like_ that name. My friend and I came up with it when discussing Percy and Annabeth's future child, feminism, bossiness and mathematics…yeah, it's a long story.**


End file.
